11 November 2005

An Unusual Rant

I don't usually rant about my personal life. I can rant about toilets, Gillette razors, and the weather but I rarely talk about my life's troubles. Well, today it's gonna be different.

This whole week, especially the past two days, has been frustrating. I feel a little depressed and unwilling to socialize. And a tad rebellious too. So in order to exorcise my demons I'm gonna try and list out all the issues that I have an issue with:

  • Finding out about Joe's brain cancer really saddened me. It increased my urgency towards life, but my actions lately show the contrary, namely:
    • Spending almost two hours at lunch with Dad and his friends. The worst part is that I have nothing much to contribute to the conversation, so it's just the usual pleasantries.

    • I've been wasting a lot of time watching TV shows. I should have been studying and preparing for the programming competition in two weeks time, but I chose entertainment instead.

  • I'm getting SICK of eating meat. Neither parent seem to respect or value my mostly-vegetarian lifestyle. They continue to push meat to me, which I don't appreciate. Maybe it's because I said I'm quite casual about it. But if this goes on, I'm going to have to put my foot down and be a serious full-time vegetarian, no exceptions.

  • A couple of semesters ago I did a software assignment which I was very proud of. But last night I couldn't find them and I freaked out. Some circumstances led me to delete the originals, but I was sure I had made a backup. Unfortunately not. Last night was my low point, but luckily I found an older backup somewhere. I never knew I was so attached to those digital bits and bytes.

  • While doing research for my final year project I discovered someone else had already done most of what I wanted to do. And it was done very well. I wasn't very happy about it because it meant it took off some of the innovative edge my proposed software will have. I now have to refocus my energy towards improving the existing concept.

  • Dad's constant talking, lame jokes, and lack of trust in me is starting to tick me off. I've been spending way too much time with him and I'm starting to feel suffocated. I can barely laugh at his jokes, and also at his conversation attempts. I think he sensed I was depressed and tried to keep me company, but he's making it worse coz it's not working. And lately he has been very doubtful of me, unable to trust me with simple tasks. He may call it 'concern', but I call it 'doubt'.

  • My college clique (David, Albert, Joey, Linda, etc) came to Penang recently but I wasn't told of their visit until the day before. I was naturally pissed at this neglect. Of course, I've been neglecting to join them in college as well so I guess the punishment is fitting. At any rate, I didn't go out with them at all. And nothing hurts more than being neglected by friends you care.

  • A proposed Singapore holiday is in limbo. It was supposed to be a joint holiday with Dad's friend at a company bungalow, but the place wasn't available. Dad suggested we continue with the trip and backpack there instead. That kinda takes the fun out of the trip, because I wouldn't want to backpack with Dad. Last year when we took a 19 hour train ride to Bangkok, I almost chewed my ears off having to sit opposite to Dad. And since backpacking is all about staying together, I can envision it getting even more frustrating. However, Dad plans to backpack with me to some faraway country next year. So I better use this Singapore experience to gauge if he's a suitable travelling partner. If not, I'd rather not have the free European tour.

Well, I certainly feel better now that I have expressed my issues. I apologize if you had to put up with my incoherent ramblings for the past few days. Your scheduled entertainment will resume as normal next week.

1 comment:

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